I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
