woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize