don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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