Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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