yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize