toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
