i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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