My sheets look like a crime scene.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
