The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
