just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
whose parrot is this?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
