Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
