watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
