I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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