my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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