I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
