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my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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