my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I lost the right to judge tonight
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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