There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
