I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize