i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
