Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
