I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm at about main and main street
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
