My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
