Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
