I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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