I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
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