I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize