I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize