Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize