So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
