I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
