Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Actions speak louder than pants.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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