Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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