Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize