I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
