Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
