He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
