In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
