sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
