i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
