U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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