I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize