he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
