I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
