My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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