I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
