Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
