Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize