I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
honey bunches of taint.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She bit a glass in half.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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