capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
