i think my tv is drunk
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Someone signed my nipple.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
