I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
