My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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