Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
