HIV tests are more positive than that guy
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
