my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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