I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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