That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
