well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
