it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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