you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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