I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
