Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
