I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize