What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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