It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
why do cheetos always look like penises
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
